Whether you’re here to explore a new approach to parenting or out of sheer necessity with a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), as was my case, you’re in the right place. It’s time to reevaluate and unlearn what we think we know about parenting. This shift in perspective allows us to make small changes that will have a huge impact on our connections and relationships with our children. With this method, we can increase autonomy and support our children with diverse needs. We can find acceptance and accommodate their needs, enabling them to reach their true potential. This is the power of Low-Demand Parenting.
This type of change isn’t easy, and I always say that even though there are deep and profound benefits to Low-Demand/High-Autonomy parenting, yet most parents wouldn’t do it if it weren’t critical for their child’s growth and well-being. It’s challenging and requires a lot of effort, compassion, and change on the parents’ part, asking no change of the child.
It can be scary to trust the process and lean into the hard work for an extended period of time before you see the fruits of your labor, but they will come. This method works and will allow you to drop demands you have placed on yourself as well, enabling you to live in true autonomy with your child and family, letting go of societal pressures that no longer serve you.
Accommodation Lifestyle: A New Lens
viewing our parenting Journey from a caregivers perspective
When you consider shifting your parenting philosophies, there are likely many barriers or constraints that seem insurmountable. Fear may creep in, suggesting that you might actually harm your child by learning to let go. Many of us have been gaslit for years through conversations with our children’s doctors, teachers, therapists, other parents, and family members. We’ve learned to question ourselves and to stop trusting that we know our children best.
When we seek help or answers, expressing that there may be something more going on with our children, many of us have been told that the real problem lies with us and our parenting. ‘Try harder,’ they say, ‘set more boundaries, ignore their behaviors and emotions, and they will stop trying to manipulate you or the situations.’ Deep down, we knew this wasn’t the case, but with little to no support or answers, many of us started to believe that it could truly be our fault.
I want to tell you that you can trust yourself and that you do know your child best. You can lead your family to stability, and it all begins by shifting your mindset. Trust yourself and I will show you the way.
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You Are Not Just Parenting..
shifting to a caregiver mindset
Disability: We must move away from the notion that our children exhibit undesirable behaviors due to questionable character or manipulation. In reality, their behaviors are physical reactions stemming from neuroception and a nervous system disability.
Inherent Goodness: We have to truly believe that our kids are inherently good and need accommodations to be their true selves and fully present with us, feeling safe in their bodies. The behaviors we see are communicating to us what is happening in their bodies, not who they are as a person.
Caregiving: Most of us are not parenting as many of our peers are; we are essentially caregiving. We are not looking at developmental checklists and grade level expectations, but instead, we are focusing on meeting many basic needs such as supporting our children with eating, toileting, sleeping, hygiene, and also safety.
Embracing Our Role as Caregivers: When we accept and even embrace that we are caregivers, much of the outside noise about our choices, or even inside pressures we place on ourselves as parents, begins to matter a lot less. Our focus narrows to meeting our children where they are and finding happiness or ‘glimmers’ today.
Judgement: Shifting to low demand-high autonomy parenting will be challenging, with many people not understanding or caring to understand, and possibly judging you for the hard choices you have to make to support your child. However, deep down, you know you are accommodating your child as any parent would who has a child with special needs.
Mental Health and Safety: Nothing in the world is worth your child’s safety, mental health, or happiness. Much of what we are asked to do as ‘good parents’ is at the detriment of our children with PDA. This will look different for everyone, and we need to be gentle with ourselves and what we are able to do here as we strive to support our children
Autonomy: All of the change happens with you, and you have full autonomy over what demands you choose to drop or keep, asking nothing more of our children but instead accommodating them with love and compassion. Your child will have more autonomy, and you will as well, once you let go of what society has conditioned you to believe about good parenting.
Milestones: As caregivers, we must release the pressure of developmental milestones and arbitrary timelines. We need to accept that for our children to learn and grow, they must first be accommodated. They may or may not have the capability to meet the milestone in question, but without accommodations, it’s almost guaranteed that they won’t. We have to meet them where they are, with no judgment or timelines.
Little to No Support: Low-Demand-High Autonomy parenting can be initiated with minimal support. Begin by experimenting with dropping demands for your child, progressing at your own pace. When ready, share your findings with other significant adults in your child’s life. Remember, it only takes your initiative to start the change. For children with PDA, whose threat response is cumulative, every bit of autonomy you can offer and every demand you can let go of will have a meaningful impact.
Letting Go: Letting go of demands and fostering autonomy for both you and your child doesn’t signify failure as a parent. On the contrary, it reflects courage—the willingness to embark on a new path, challenge conventional parenting norms, and trust in the strength of your connection with your child. It’s about believing that through this bond, greater growth and progress can be achieved
Screens: Shifting our mindsets on screen time is important. For many neurodivergent children, screens offer a safe space to learn, relax, and regulate, while providing autonomy in choice and time management. Despite societal judgment and shame, recognizing that we are caregiving and that our children’s nervous systems require autonomy around screens is crucial. This accommodation not only benefits our children but also serves as a reprieve for us caregivers, as managing the demands on our nervous system can be challenging. Letting go of fear and judgment allows us to prioritize our child’s well-being and support their individual needs.
Forgiveness: Recognizing the importance of staying present and allowing ourselves to feel all the emotions surrounding past actions or inactions, especially when we didn’t understand our child’s nervous system disability, is crucial. We can’t turn back time, no matter how much we wish we could. It’s essential to grant ourselves forgiveness for the things we did, said, or how we handled situations back then because we simply didn’t know what we didn’t know. Now, armed with knowledge and experience, we have a deeper understanding, regardless of whether professionals, teachers, or family members agree with us. Trusting ourselves and granting ourselves forgiveness enables us to focus on the present moment and the path forward, aiming for brighter days ahead. It’s about repairing what we can and embracing the journey toward a more positive future.
Low-Demand-High Autonomy and Permissive Parenting: Permissive parenting, as Diana Baumrind (1991) defines it, involves high support but low demands, potentially leading to lower happiness and self-regulation in children. However, this overlooks the specific needs of children with sensitive nervous systems or disabilities like Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), who thrive with accommodations such as low demands and high autonomy. If we shift our parenting paradigm and view it through a nervous system lens, what we perceive as drawbacks in this parenting style are actually benefits for our children. Particularly for those with sensitive nervous systems or disabilities like PDA, accommodations such as low demand and high autonomy are essential. Traditional parenting methods like authoritative parenting may lead to decreased happiness, self-regulation issues, and burnout due to children’s drive for autonomy. Surprisingly, what seem like drawbacks of permissive parenting are actually beneficial for children needing accommodations, such as those with sensitive nervous systems. Low Demand-High Autonomy parenting isn’t easy, requiring significant parental engagement, trust, creativity, and energy. However, when we adopt an accommodation lens as caregivers, it becomes essential to support the growth of our children who require these adjustments for learning and feeling whole.
Not Working: Recognizing that traditional parenting methods may not effectively support a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is the first step. Embracing the need to adapt parenting approaches, either individually or collectively as a family, is crucial. It’s essential to understand that accommodating a PDA child’s needs requires significant energy and effort. However, the potential benefits of finding strategies that work for them make this effort completely worthwhile.
Baumrind, D. (1991). Parenting styles and adolescent development. In J. Brooks-Gunn, R. M. Lerner, & A. C. Petersen (Eds.), The Encyclopedia on Adolescence (pp. 746-758). New York: Garland Publishing.
