Whole Body Communication: Behavior as Communication

As parents and caregivers, it is essential to shift our parenting perspective and examine our beliefs around behaviors and communication. This is especially important when we talk about our children with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and behavior. Many of us inherit our beliefs about children and behavior from our upbringing, school, or society as a whole. Without deeply examining these beliefs, we cannot truly support our children and meet them where they are in their development.

We need to uncover how we communicate with our children, not just verbally, but through our body language as well. Additionally, we must understand the importance of examining outward behaviors as a guide to what is happening neurophysiologically in our children. This includes understanding the two types of behaviors: Top-Down and Bottom-Up. It also involves shedding the deep-seated belief that children choose their behavior to manipulate parents to get what they want. This toxic belief erodes our children’s trust and confidence and damages our connection with them.

Come alongside me on this journey of understanding and unraveling the complexities behind behavior. Together, let’s explore our beliefs and make profound shifts in our perspectives, all while fostering strong and positive relationships with our children.

Whole Body Communication

Focusing on Body lanuage

Research indicates that a significant portion of our communication with others is non-verbal. While percentages vary among studies, there is consensus that non-verbal communication has the greatest impact on our interactions. It is crucial to bear in mind, especially when communicating with all children, but particularly with those who have PDA or sensitive nervous systems.

Understanding Dr. Stephen Porges’ work on the Polyvagal Theory reveals that our nervous systems communicate with each other through the social engagement system. With this understanding, we must recognize that neuroception continuously scans others and our environment for signals of safety. This highlights the importance of focusing on our body language.

When focusing on children with Pathological Demand Avoidance and behaviors, we have to remember they have an overactive threat response. Any modifications we can make with our body language can greatly impact our child’s feeling of safety and, in turn, their actions and behaviors.

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Communicating Through Behavior

What Our Children’s Actions Say About Their Feeling of Safety Inside

As parents, we often find our children’s behaviors incredibly confusing. However, with a deeper understanding of the nervous system and Pathological Demand Avoidance and behaviors, you create space for a shift in parenting paradigms. Therefore, viewing these behaviors as messages from their bodies, indicating the state of their nervous system, we can move away from feeling pressured to punish them. Instead, we recognize their actions as calls for help from their bodies. Consequently, we can focus on co-regulation and utilize felt safety to guide them back to a better place. Use the chart below to help you better understand what you are seeing from your child.

What Could It Mean?

Using Dr. Stephen Porges’ Hierarchy of the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) per Polyvagal Theory to better understand your child’s behaviors.

Autonomic Nervous System States per Dr. Stephen Porges' Polyvagal Theory. Helping us understand Pathological Demand Avoidance and behaviors as communication.

Two Types of Behaviors

Top-down and bottom-up

As parents and caregivers of children with PDA or sensitive nervous systems, it is critical to understand that there are two types of behaviors. According to Dr. Mona Delahooke (2019), these are Top-Down behaviors and Bottom-Up behaviors.

Many people do not realize that these behaviors have entirely different causes and necessitate distinct approaches. Unfortunately, most parents and even many professionals treat all challenging behaviors as if they are the same. Consequently, the primary response to these behaviors is often punishment, which, as we know, is not an effective way to support children in their development, especially those with overactive nervous system activation.

Top-Down Behavior

Dr. Delahooke (2019) states “Top-down behaviors are deliberate and intentional. Top-down thinking and behaviors develop over many years through connections to the prefrontal cortex of the brain. They are called top-down because they are literally driven by the top part of our bodies, the ‘executive function’ center of our brain.”

According to Johns Hopkins Medicine (2023), “the rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25 or so. In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain’s rational part. This is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long-term consequences. Teens process information with the amygdala. This is the emotional part. In teens’ brains, the connections between the emotional part of the brain and the decision-making center are still developing—and not always at the same rate. That’s why when teens have overwhelming emotional input, they can’t explain later what they were thinking. They weren’t thinking as much as they were feeling.”

Take Away…

In conclusion, understanding that Top-Down behaviors are deliberate and intentional, we recognize that children and teens displaying manipulative and conniving behaviors would need to rely on their prefrontal cortex for decision-making. However, this isn’t the case. Their prefrontal cortex is not yet fully developed. Therefore, they primarily process information with the amygdala or emotional part of their brain.

Unfortunately, when most people think about behaviors in children and teens, they tend to focus on Top-Down behaviors, despite research indicating they represent a much smaller fraction of the behaviors our children exhibit than parents and caregivers realize.

Bottom-up Behaviors

That brings us to the second type of behavior: Bottom-Up behaviors. Dr. Delahooke (2019) explains that “Bottom-Up behaviors are instinctual and unintentional. They are survival-based stress responses, and operate through the activation of the brain’s threat-detection system. Infants only have bottom-up behaviors. They are called bottom-up because they come from cues in the body and areas of the brain that are driven by instincts.”

This brings us back to our understanding of Dr. Stephen Porges’ (2024) Polyvagal Theory and his key concept of Neuroception. The idea is that a child’s perceived sense of safety is largely determined by their body subconsciously. Dr. Porges’ concept of Neuroception allows us to shift from a purely behavioral perspective, acknowledging that the child is not always consciously controlling their behaviors. Instead, we can focus on their nervous system function as the primary lens.

When we move away from assuming that all behavior is intentional or controllable, we can redirect our attention to Neuroception. This perspective helps us understand that our child’s behavior originates from the survival brain and operates subconsciously. Therefore, they are not actively choosing their actions; instead, their nervous system detects threats or safety in their environment, influencing their behavior.

Take Away…

These two types of behaviors are very different and require different responses. However, most behaviors are still often perceived as intentional, without considering what research says about brain development and the nervous system. Therefore, parents, caregivers, and professionals often focus on discipline, punishments, or rewards.

Dr. Delahooke (2019) reminds us that ‘Bottom-Up behaviors do not respond to rewards, consequences, or punishment.’ She emphasizes that Bottom-Up behaviors are a brain-based stress response that necessitates empathy, compassion, connection, and some form of co-regulation to help the child feel safe.

This is particularly true for our PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) children, as they have an overactive stress response that can make them feel very unsafe in environments that may seem fine to us as parents. These physiological reactions in their bodies often result in behaviors that are difficult for us to understand.

Relying on conventional parenting methods and widely accepted interventions can significantly deteriorate the well-being of our children with PDA, exacerbating their feelings of danger and escalating their behaviors. It’s crucial to let go of the notion that our children’s challenging behaviors originate from flawed character or intentional manipulation. Embracing Bottom-Up behavior helps us interact with children more compassionately, empathetically, and flexibly, meeting their needs effectively and fostering harmony at home.

Letting Go…

Dealing with Uninformed Opinions

  • When starting out, it’s fine to focus on your family’s comfort with low-demand, high-autonomy parenting, without pressure to share with others. For those familiar with Pathological Demand Avoidance and behaviors, implementing numerous accommodations for their child is beneficial.
  • Understand your own nervous system as well. If certain people or situations are causing stress and anxiety, consider taking a break from them or setting boundaries. We go through different seasons in life with various people, and it’s okay to move forward even if not everyone is ready to move forward with us.
  • You know your child best. When dealing with professionals like doctors or teachers, advocating for them regarding PDA may feel uncomfortable, as it’s new to many. You’ll likely encounter professionals who are unfamiliar with PDA or lack experience and understanding. They may focus on your child’s behavior rather than understanding it as a nervous system disability. Despite this, continue to accommodate your child’s needs. Plant seeds, share information, educate, and focus your energy only where it’s most needed. Trust yourself!
  • You can start the journey of low-demand-high-autonomy parenting independently, even if your spouse or family members are not yet on board. Focus on your daily interactions with your child and consider implementing accommodations such as using declarative language, reducing demands, experimenting with humor and novelty, and letting go of overwhelming situations. Keep in mind that children with PDA experience a cumulative buildup in the nervous system, so every small accommodation matters.
  • You don’t need a diagnosis to know what’s best for your child. Despite comments like “You’re not a doctor, maybe they’ll grow out of it,” or “He’s just little,” or questions about a diagnosis, you can start accommodating your child with low-demand, high-autonomy parenting. Whether or not a diagnosis or medical discussion happens in the future, trust yourself and your child as you move forward independently.
  • Focus on understanding and disregard the rest. You don’t have time to change everyone’s minds or make them understand PDA as you do. Collaborate with those who truly matter, meeting them where they are and planting seeds of knowledge patiently, with support and understanding. Over time, as they see a happier, calmer, and more connected child, they will find their way. This process takes time but leads to a smoother transition and builds a larger circle of supportive people who understand and can help your family.
  • People will judge and question your low-demand parenting choices. Most are uncomfortable trusting children with the same autonomy and respect as adults. However, if you are confident in accommodating your child, you will find it easier to ignore their judgments. Don’t waste your energy trying to convince them otherwise.
  • Forgive yourself for past parenting decisions and grant grace to yourself and others. You won’t always get it right, and change of this magnitude is challenging. However, with ongoing practice and commitment, you can build trust gradually, one interaction at a time, and begin to help your child heal, fostering a lasting connection with them.
  • Shifting your parenting perspective means challenging ingrained beliefs. Many carry scars from flawed practices. Society conditions us to see the parent-child relationship as adults deserving respect, with children earning it through compliance. Embracing low-demand, high-autonomy parenting demands trust and faith in our children’s worthiness of respect. We must trust their signals about safety and be open to change. If you find yourself in crisis with your PDA child on this journey, diving in and trusting is the only choice. As trust grows, your child blossoms beautifully.
  • No one will care as much as you do or try harder…remember that!
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references:

Delahooke, M. (2019, August 11). Top-down and bottom-up behaviors: Understanding the critical difference. Mona Delahooke. https://monadelahooke.com/top-down-and-bottom-up-behaviors-understanding-the-critical-difference/#:~:text=They%20are%20called%20bottom%2Dup,prefrontal%20cortex%20of%20the%20brain.

Johns Hopkins Medicine. (2023, August 1). Understanding the Teen Brain. Retrieved from https://johnshopkinshealthcare.staywellsolutionsonline.com/Wellness/Fitness/1,3051

Polyvagal Institute.” (2024, May 13). What Is The Polyvagal Theory. Retrieved from https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory

Porges, Stephen. (2004). “Neuroception: A Subconscious System for Detecting Threats and Safety” ZERO to THREE 2-4, no. 5