Traditional Parenting vs Low Demand

unlearning what you know about parenting

Traditional Parenting Styles

  • PDA children may find these methods challenging, as many emphasize the importance of adults maintaining control at all times.
  • Many traditional methods adhere to the philosophy that children feel safest when in the presence of a confident caregiver who establishes healthy and firm boundaries, where children are expected to follow directions without question.
  • There’s a common belief that using punishment and rewards in parenting is necessary for children to behave correctly, often attributed to the notion that children lack inherent self-motivation and self-control. Additionally a belief in the importance of establishing clear rules and boundaries for children, with consequences for disobedience or misbehavior often being punitive in nature.
  • Traditional parenting typically upholds the authority of parents or caregivers as the primary decision-makers and enforcers of rules within the family unit. While traditional parenting emphasizes obedience, it also aims to instill responsibility and independence in children through chores, tasks, and gradually increasing levels of autonomy as they mature.
  • This method of parenting does not focus on coregulation or helping your child regulate their nervous system, so that they can regulate their emotions and behaviors. In this model there is very little value in accommodations and or autonomy for the child.
  • In traditional parenting, behaviors are often categorized as ‘bad’ or ‘good,’ with some believing that children manipulate through their actions to either avoid undesirable situations or obtain desired outcomes.

Low Demand Parenting

  • Works with a wide variety of children, but is particularly essential for those with Pathological Demand Avoidance due to their pervasive need for autonomy.
  • This statement sharply contrasts with research which emphasizes connection and communication as fundamental. Prioritizing connection and coregulation ensures a sense of safety, which is especially important with our PDA children.
  • According to Dr. Mona Delahooke, author of Brain, Body Parenting, ‘When parents shift from trying to secure compliance to supporting connection and balance in the body and mind, they unlock a deeper understanding of their child, encouraging calmer behavior, more harmonious family dynamics, and increased resilience.’ The deep connection and balance are pillars of low-demand parenting.
  • Low-demand parenting prioritizes treating both children and adults with respect. Parents in this approach trust their children to make decisions, fostering autonomy even from a young age. Rather than mandating daily chores and tasks, the focus is on meeting the child where they are and embracing radical acceptance, recognizing that children ‘can’t’ rather than ‘won’t’ perform certain chores at this specific day and time.
  • Since children with PDA struggle to feel safe in their own bodies and regulate their nervous system, the practice of coregulation and allowing them to “borrow” your nervous system, which they are able to do through signals of safety is very important.
  • In Low-Demand parenting, behaviors are not viewed as manipulation or labeled as ‘bad’ or ‘good.’ Instead, they are seen as communication of unmet needs or a desire for connection. Behaviors provide insight into what is happening within the child’s body, and low-demand parents prioritize listening to and understanding these signals.

Take Away…

Low demand parenting can benefit any child or family aiming to enhance their children’s autonomy, problem-solving skills, and independence. For parents of children with PDA or sensitive nervous systems, an accommodating lifestyle is crucial. This involves prioritizing high autonomy, minimizing demands, and attentively listening to their behavioral and emotional cues. Reacting proactively and practicing coregulation are essential for their well-being.

references:

Delahooke, M. (2022). Brain, Body Parenting. Harper Collins Publisher.

Polyvagal Institute.” (2024, May 13). What Is The Polyvagal Theory. Retrieved from https://www.polyvagalinstitute.org/whatispolyvagaltheory

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